I GUESS I AM A LITTLE MORE SELF AWARE

So, I realize that no one really ever looks at this anymore, as I have let it fade away.  However, something struck me the other day that I just felt that I had to share with the masses.  It is true that inspiration can strike at any time, and for me that it struck last night with the voice over on Desperate Housewives, just as Bre was putting down her gun.  Mary Alice said, "You can have anything you want as long as you're willing to give up everything to get it".  Mary Alice, death has made you wise. 

Sometimes our inner selves, the part that no one else is aware of, has deep yearnings, usually unspeakable.  We all have them, bubbling under the surface, secret selves that scare even ourselves.  What would happen if in a weak moment, we just gave in, became that person that lives within us all.  Well, I suppose it would vary.  For some of us the world would literally stop spinning, for others we might be locked away for life.  But when we get right down to it, the reason we have these dual personalities is that we are in fact scared to death of who that person, just waiting to be unleashed is, and how that person would fit into the world of boxes that we have created for ourselves. 

For most of us, we know that giving into the other "us" would effectivly end some friendships, change career paths and maybe even lead to family rejection.  Are we better off ignoring those unquenchable naggings that linger under the surface?  How we deal with them.  I have found that even in all my infinate wisdom, I have no answer. 

All I know is that really, perception is reality.  People see the "us" that they want to see, the "us" that we have allowed them to get to know us, the one that we introduce as ourself.  Therefore is it fair to just spring this whole new persona on to the world and expect them to embrace it?  Probably not.  All we can do is integrate the person we are, the person we want to be and the public persona of who we are into one person.  With this equation comes a lot of unknowns, and a lot of self sacrifice. In the end is it worth it?  Mary Alice says is best, "You can have anything you want... If you're willing to sacrifice everything to get it."

Wow, I guess I have to much time on my hands these days.  But I hope you enoyed this brief, but sordid tour of the thoughts.

It's funny, how when we are kids all we can think about is growing up and getting our first car, turning 21 and graduating high school.  Now that we have done all things, and for some us, even graduated college, its kinda depressing but necessary to reflect back and ask ourselves, "why"?  Why were we in such a hurry to grow up?  Now that I am standing on the brink of what truly is adulthood, these are teh questions that often occupy my thoughts.  Is growing up really worth it?

And while I am sure the answer to that question for most of us, absoutly!  I still can't help bu think about my loss of ambition, remember how when we were kids we really thought that anything was possible, and if we really wanted to be President we could?  Remember when we thought the sky was the limit?  Now I realize that in life, there are many limits, many of which are just unfair, but I guess thats all part of growing up. Remember when we thought Best Friends were forever and that those that we loved would never let us down.  Remember when we had heros, because in our minds some people were incapable of doing wrong? Life has taught us some valuable lessons there.  That those you love the most can hurt you the most.  They can at one point make you feel that you are the only person in a room, than with the change of a mood can make you feel smaller than any other person in that now very crowded room.  And as if that wasn't enough, we found out that no, our parents are not perfect.  That they do in fact make mistakes and that they really don't everything about everything.  All we know is that they love us and do the best that they can with us, hoping that we all reach our fullest potential.  I can't help but ask myself a simple question at this juncture in my life, "would the little boy that I used to be, be proud of that man that he became?"  I would like to think that the answer is yes.  After all, I have been pretty successful, I am about to graduate with a Masters Degree and feel pretty certain about my career path.  However, it still nags at me, and my guess now that you have thought about it, it probably nags at you as well.  I mean I have done some not so nice things, became somethings that I wish that I hadn't and now hold some views that are perpindicular to so many things that I once held on to as the truth.  Is this what getting older means, becoming more pessimistic?

I guess this stage of life is about feeling walls close in around you, ceilings pushing harder on your head than ever before and an errie sense of unknowing, a bit like the calm before the storm.  Whatever happened to those years where we were supposed to being finding out who we were, and developing lifelong relationships with people?  Well, I guess those days are kinda over and now the world is looming in front of us, beckoning us all to the idea of something greater.

And that is what allows me to think that maybe, just maybe, getting older is worth it.  The thought of something greater than this.  That maybe, if I am lucky, I will be working, only it won't be working becuase I will be doing something that I love.  Its the idea that you never really lose friends, that Best friends, in spite of arguments, hardships and distance continue to be best friends and that the fewer opportunities that there are to see them, the more we value each one.  The idea that the notion of family is really unchanging, you can always go home, and there will always be someone there waiting to help you through your latest crisis; only as you get older, the crisis become more crisis-like and usually are in relation to things in life that truly matter, not a date that went bad or an incidental overdrawl from the checking account.

Maybe getting older is ralizing how fortunate we all were to be young and gives us a chance to reflect on how lucky we are to have met each other, because we really are fortunate when you think about it. Isn't it funny how through life we have found those that we really can't imagine life without? 

So, there it is, maybe getting old isn't all that bad, I have come to adopt the idea that it is the moving on part that is the struggle, but keeping mind the greatness of the future may even be able to overcome that.

Wow, sorry didn't mean to get all deep like that.  I guess I have had a lot on my mind these days.  Hope this helps guide all of you through the transition period that awaits us in just a few short months.

Currently Listening It's Time By Michael Bublé I Wanna Come Home see related

Ok, first off the C.D. (see above), is actually from the Starbucks guy. Check it out, actually he's not bad. But its still funny that he is from the Starbucks commerical. 

It would seem that I am the last person to update from this weekend, and in short, it pretty much rocked.  Of course Wedding Crashers was pretty kick ass, Dr. Quinn topless; YES PLEASE! The movie was a good laugh. Who am I kidding I think I peed a little during my screening, yes it is that funny. The CLC, along with some friends ate at Applebee's on Friday; a good time was had by all. Then on Sunday Night, we had teh great ah-ha moment that everyone talks about; lets register CLC as a registered student org. with the University, how kick ass is that. I think it's pretty much gonna take over campus. CLC, its a good thing.

On to the shout outs~

Tarm I love your sex (HA HA)

Laurabeth i am looking forward to seeing what kind of crazy ass sparkly ritual you come up with.

Kayla what can i say besides i love you and we all know that u beat grant in beer bonging.

Heidi-ho get back to the head ASAP

and Morgan, great to have you back for a few days!

Currently Listening Wreck of the Day By Anna Nalick Breathe (2 a.m.) see related

I don't know how I feel about this. Ok, well I guess its kinda true, but still, I don't know how I feel about it.

Currently Watching Lara Croft - Tomb Raider (Special Collector's Edition) By Angelina Jolie see related

I have once again been inspired to make  a Xanga Post. Sorry to disappoint, but this one is not about food, rather it is about a trip to King's Island that I took on Saturday with Gerome, Kim, Brandon O & Ben Stewart. It was a SAC retreat.  So we get there, ready for a day of thrills. The day was going great, we were having so much fun riding the roller coasters and Tomb Raider. Then the unimaginable, we got stuck on a thrill ride! Which one you ask. Only the scariest one ever, Adventure Express, ok, maybe not so scary but still, it was a coaster and we were in the tunnel with the men beating drums. We were stuck for like 45 min, Brandon was scared another car was going to rearend us and of course we were in the last car. Park workers, one was Delt from Morehead, Daniel, who is a park manager, pushed the coaster up the hill. The first few attempts were futile. Finally a worker asked if we were ok, to which I replied, bring me a drink and I will be fine. That drink, sadly, never came. Rather they finally got the car back on the track and we finished our adventure express ride. Upon completion of the ride, the workers had poured glasses of water for us to enjoy and gave us a jump in line pass for a ride. We decided to use ours on the outer limits, the only ride that we had left. One of our team members got in a bad seat and the buckle was busted. Therefore, they would not let him ride the rise. However, the rest of us were stuck in the coaster. When the ride was finished, they refused to refund our cut line pass, even though one person couldn't use it. So I took matters into my own hands and went to the customer relations window and complained about poor business ethic that was running rampant in the park. Meanless to say, we were given another jump line pass that we used to rise Tomb Raider again ( I LOVE THAT RIDE).

After our exhausting day at KI we enjoyed a delicious dinner at O'Charley's. I had never eaten here before and give it two enthustiac thumbs up. Grerat Food, Great Atmophere and Great Service. I love it. We then chilled in Ben's Pool, where I thought my shadow was something on the bottom of the pool and I kept swimming away from it, and being as bright I as I am I thought something kept chasing me, it was just my shadow.  Then it was brought to my attention that there were bats swooping into the pool. So, I was done with the pool. Kim fell on her face getting out, which was funny.

And, so ends another exciting day in the life of one, Josh Gruenke.